December 9, 2024 / mascara / 0 Comments
A Brief History of Australian Terror
By Bobuq Sayed
ISBN
Common Room Editions
Reviewed by DAVID COADY
Bobuq Sayed, a non-binary member of the Afghan diaspora, has put together a brief chapbook of three essays on Islamophobia in Australia. This is a timely and insightful contribution to public debate. The subject, however, cries out for a full-length book, updated to address the surge of Islamophobia since the beginning of the Gaza genocide.
Sayed briefly mentions that Islamophobia in Australia can be traced back to the nineteenth century, but his focus is on recent history, especially the history of the so-called ‘War on Terror’, since the attacks on the United States of September 11, 2001. Sayed writes about the subject from a highly personal perspective. This is appropriate because it touches his identity closely, especially his identity as a Muslim person of colour; it is also an identity which is glaringly under-represented in Australian public debate. I think it is appropriate that this review should be equally personal. Of course, there is no shortage of people such as myself (white, straight, cis males, brought up in a mostly Christian culture) being given platforms to opine about this, and every other conceivable, topic. Nonetheless, this is the only perspective from which I can write, and any attempt to adopt an objective stance toward a highly subjective book would miss the point of it.
Sayed writes that “a white Australian could have made the exact same criticisms” of Australian Islamophobia that he and other people of colour have made “with none of the accompanying backlash (p. 35)”. That seems to me to be a slight exaggeration. What is true is that white Australians face much less backlash than non-white Australians when they speak out against Islamophobia. After all, Yassmin Abdel-Magied and Antoinette Lattouf were sacked by the national broadcaster for hurting the feelings of Islamophobes and racists, while Laura Tingle was merely reprimanded and forced to undergo “counselling” for essentially the same thing. But less backlash is not no backlash, and many white Australians have been deterred from speaking out against Israel’s genocide, out of fear of negative social and professional consequences; and both the genocide itself and the repercussions for speaking out against it are, to a great extent, the product of Islamophobia. Yet, precisely because the backlash white people face for speaking out is less, our obligation to do so is all the greater, and the silence of many of us can only be understood as timidity and, in some cases, cowardice.
The backlash against people of colour who speak out is even greater when they have, like Sayed, been granted political asylum in Australia; in which case they are expected “to tow a respectful line” to the country that gave them sanctuary (p. 34). This expectation, of course, ignores Australia’s role in creating refugees in the first place. It is particularly outrageous to expect Afghan refugees, like Sayed, to refrain from criticising the Australian government, given that Australian troops have recently been found by the Brereton Report to have committed numerous atrocities against unarmed Afghans.
Sayed has the courage to talk about Australia as a perpetrator of terror and about Muslims as its victims. This is, of course, a reversal of conventional wisdom, according to which terrorism is, almost by definition, carried out by Muslim insurgents who “enact callous bloodshed against American and European powers for no reason other than their hatred of our freedom and our wealth” (p. 24). As Sayed says, the purveyors of this conventional wisdom are not only committed to a demonstrably false account of the actual motivations of those usually categorised as ‘terrorists’, they are also oblivious to the fact that the freedom and wealth which these ‘terrorists’ allegedly hate come to a great extent “at the expense of the rest of the world, whose resources, labour and land are expropriated” (p. 25).
Sayed is keenly aware of how dangerous this ignorance is. He points out that Osama bin Laden’s “Letter to the American People” is virtually unknown in America or elsewhere in the West. This letter makes it clear that 9/11 was, to a great extent, motivated by the occupation of Palestine. Sayed quotes bin Laden’s own words on the subject:
The blood pouring out of Palestine must be equally revenged. You must know that the Palestinians do not cry alone; their women are not widowed alone; their sons are not orphaned alone.
(p. 28)
Sayed is not an apologist for bin Laden. He objects to bin Laden’s frequent conflation of Zionism with Judaism, and suggests that it is due to such “legitimate shortcomings that the letter is largely discounted and that its intended audience, the American people, are mostly ignorant of the fact that it even exists” (pp. 28-29).
This seems unlikely. The conflation of Zionism with Judaism, so far from being peculiar to bin Laden and his followers, is absolutely pervasive in the West. This conflation has always been central to Zionist ideology, and it has been used for the last 76 years to promote Western hegemony in the Middle East, and to smear the Palestinian solidarity movement. Most people in the West are ignorant of the actual motives of bin Laden and other Muslim insurgents, not because those insurgents conflate Zionism with Judaism (most of them don’t), but because Western governments and media outlets conflate Zionism with Judaism (and anti-Zionism with anti-semitism). Hence, we are constantly told, and a depressing number of us actually seem to believe, that indigenous resistance to ethnic cleansing, apartheid, and now genocide, must be motivated by anti-semitism. The lie that anti-semitism is principally a Muslim, rather than a European, phenomenon is central to contemporary Western Islamophobia.
Sayed is adept at identifying ways in which imperialists “dominate accounts of language and temporality” (p. 26). The automatic labelling of resistance to occupation as ‘terrorism’ is a particularly clear example of the former. Sayed says that “whether terrorism as a term is salvageable is yet to be seen (p. 12).” Unfortunately, Sayed doesn’t tell us how it could be salvaged. My own view is that the term is unsalvageable. It does no good; there seems to be nothing we can say with it that we can’t say equally well or better without it. And it does considerable harm, by systematically discrediting resistance to imperial aggression.
Public discussion of Palestine is a clear example of imperialists dominating accounts of temporality. Israel’s attack on Gaza is presented as a response to the Hamas attack of October 7 2023, while any discussion of what preceded the Hamas attack is frowned upon. Similarly, Israel’s behaviour is routinely justified by reference to the Holocaust (even though that had nothing to do with Palestinians), while few people in the West have even heard of the Nakba. In short, we can go back to October 7th, but no further, and we can go back to the early 40s, but not to 1948. Finally, we can go back to the destruction of the 2nd Temple in Jerusalem, but not to subsequent millennia of largely Arab civilisation in Palestine.
Sayed is aware that not all victims of Islamophobia are Muslims. Anyone who can be racialized as Muslim is a potential target of Islamophobic hate. Sayed speaks of his family feeling compelled to try to pass as Italians, in order not to be identified as Muslims (p. 19). There is clearly a lot of overlap between Islamophobia and racism, but they are not the same thing.
It seems impossible to separate the racism from the Islamophobia in Australian attitudes to Palestinians. Islamophobia and racism work together to make Palestinians seem an undifferentiated mass, which makes it possible for us to ignore their slaughter.
Sayed has made an excellent contribution to an important topic. I’m looking forward to hearing more from this promising young writer.
DAVID COADY’s current work is on applied philosophy, especially applied epistemology. He has published on rumour, conspiracy theory, expertise, blogging, fake news, post-truth, extremism, and democratic theory. He has also published on the metaphysics of causation, the philosophy of law, climate change, cricket ethics, police ethics, fatphobia, the ethics of horror films, and ‘scientific’ whaling. He is the author of What to Believe Now: Applying Epistemology to Contemporary Issues, the co-author of The Climate Change Debate: an Epistemic and Ethical Enquiry, the editor of Conspiracy Theories: the Philosophical Debate, the co-editor of A Companion to Applied Philosophy and of The Routledge Handbook of Applied Epistemology.
December 6, 2024 / mascara / 0 Comments
Translations
by Joumaana Abdu
Vintage
ISBN 9781761343872
Reviewed by ROUMINA PARSA
For people in diaspora, the perceived value of our creative expression has traditionally been contingent on the telling of familiar stories. To write into the demands of “authenticity” is to perform with pre-existing notions of our identities as the baseline. The market-prescribed version of diaspora is one in which the pool of our experiences is all made of the same still water, its depth swelling with each faltered variation from the retelling of “loss-exile-return”. As a knowable thing, it’s a comfortable iteration of the foreign because it can be named; “home” as the shared contested nebula of our personhood. Yet I question, if we are to always operate with this struggle as our centre (working either to reject or affirm it) are we truly distancing ourselves from the violence of our oppression, or cementing its bind through relentless association? It is perhaps this consideration that has allowed Australian diasporic writers to stray from the confines of mainstream narratives. Picking up Translations by Jumaana Abdu, I craved to not hear a familiar story. And Abdu, a bold and poetic POC voice in Australia’s literary sphere, got close to not telling one.
Translations follows a divorced Muslim woman, Aliyah, moving to a run-down property in rural New South Wales with her young daughter. Between shifts as a nurse, Aliyah works on transforming the property with the help of a Palestinian imam hired as a farmhand, nicknamed Shep. Here, Aliyah must navigate the notion of “home” as a haunted space, as a reunion with an old friend, dreams of the previous owners, and interactions with Indigenous Peoples intensify the question of what it means to belong.
Abdu’s cited intentions with her debut novel are noble ones. Aware of the hyper-visibility of Middle Eastern and Muslim suffering, particularly in the past year, Abdu approached the representation of her characters with a commendable objective: ‘I wanted to afford my characters the dignity of ambiguity, to prove ambiguity was possible despite the demands for explanations that have infiltrated identity politics’ (1).
In refusing to exist in the loaded context of the “other”, Abdu allows herself to create in the space left by what is negated. The decision to leave Shep’s real name unknown, for example, is one such praiseworthy move towards what is traditionally only afforded to white characters: assumed neutrality.
This manifests in a refreshing depiction of the Middle Eastern/ Muslim/ female body that is not focused primarily on its experience of pain. The “neutrality” is emphasised through descriptions of Aliyah’s physical labour. When Abdu writes ‘her body had become unbearable’ (p62), it is not connected to her identity but to the corporeal; her working on the land. Cleverly, when Abdu does position the body within a meaningful framework, she relies not on the hyper specific, stereotyped experiences of WOC, but traces its sinews out to the universal.
It comes out most beautifully in her simpler sentences: ‘I forget what it’s like outside myself. Right now, out here… the wind and all the rest’ (p269).
The temptation could be there to suggest Abdu does go back on her promise of characters who ‘demand compassion without having to bleed’ (2). Aliyah recalls a traumatic miscarriage, her mother’s unexpected death, and her friend Hana is revealed to be a victim of interfamilial abuse. And yet, the foundation of universality grounds these characters’ pain in their lived experiences not as Muslim POC, but as people – or more poignantly in these instances, as women. This avoids what Edward Said called “self-orientalisation” (3), while also underscoring cultural traumas to be understood as such. Shep detailing his personal connection to Gaza, for example, is a purposeful and necessary distinction of the Palestinian experience that can be witnessed, but not claimed, by the collective. This is tenderly communicated through the imagery of a splinter in Shep’s finger, that is never removed by Aliyah, a nurse, despite repeatedly seeing it.
In play with contrasts, this physical distance between Shep and Aliyah accentuates her nearness to Hana, and it is here that Abdu’s writing truly shines. Her appreciation for Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan series is apparent in this portrayal of a female friendship with cosmic closeness. But more distinctly, it is the added element of religion that takes readers to a rarely represented intersection: Islam and queerness. Abiding by her premise of ambiguity, Abdu never explicitly defines the women’s relationship.
Instead, it is expressed once more through the body: ‘The girls threw their arms around each other, pressing hard to leave a mark, or better yet a scar, something lasting, something to span a vastness, to absorb and hold and revisit’ (p93).
In a novel that explores the notion of a homeland, there is something uniquely moving about two women being each other’s mooring, through distance and time. In a standout line, she writes: ‘What was a country? Here was a beautiful girl.’ (p87).
The infused undercurrents of queerness within Aliyah, a hijabi Muslim, applied in tandem with her distinctive independence and assertiveness, affords Abdu the opportunity to dispel the archetype of the Middle Eastern woman presented in traditional media. Yet this nuancing of “the Muslim woman” is unfortunately undercut by the degree to which Abdu applies strict conservativism to the relationship between Aliyah and Shep. The two cannot share a car, with Aliyah instead riding in the back of his ute. The two cannot be indoors alone, expressing the desire for a chaperone mid-conversation. They react with embarrassment when Aliyah’s 9-year-old walks in on them at the cusp of a vulnerable discussion, and they opt to utilise two iPhone cameras as a make-shift mirror so Shep can cut his own hair and be untouched by her. As the fresh fluidity and raw physical expression of Aliyah with Hana is stunted with Shep, the female-Middle Eastern-Muslim body is returned to the original politicised position Abdu had valiantly rerouted from. It is a regretful undoing of the best part of the text. A retracing of the long shadow cast by men over Aliyah, and even larger, over women.
This pervasive conservatism clashes once more against an additional element: Abdu’s understandable, but ultimately unnuanced, commitment to re-imagining Islam in the reader’s eye from beneath the Western gaze. Utilising Shep as a “translator” of Islam to the uninitiated reader, Abdu emphasises the liberal elements present in the religion – particularly feminism – in his sermon dialogue. Literarily, this poses a contradiction; Aliyah is presented as both the maverick – divorced, queer, feminist – and the conformist – willing to consider a marriage proposal from Shep’s friend who she interacts with once at a sermon. Here Abdu’s ambiguity clause results in a weakness in her character’s verisimilitude. Without knowing how Aliyah is led by her faith, and why, her varying beliefs construct her not as a person of multitudes, but one of unexplained inconsistencies.
Culturally, Abdu’s rose-tinting of Islam as a religion in line with the collective oppressed highlights an area where greater perspectives could have been considered. At a sermon where a man is raising money for Yemen, Abdu writes:
‘[He] called them my people though Aliyah knew him to be Lebanese. But the white woman on her right with a redheaded baby nodded to agree, my people, and the Bengali grandmother handing out dates on her left nodded, my people, and the children, like a pocketful of gems, nodded my people, and every Arab and Malaysian, my people, my people, with a pride so boundless it seemed that if one Lebanese man could feel a kinship with the countrymen of Yemen, then any one man could feel a kinship with the countrymen of the world.’
(p251)
By underpinning Islam as the foundation of community, belonging to the choir of voices (both displaced and not) singing “my people”, Abdu omits the voices of those who experience Islam as a force of oppression. Neglected is the historic Arab colonisation of the Middle East and beyond, the rise of extremist powers such as the Taliban in Afghanistan, the IRGC in Iran, and further Islamic theocracies such as Saudi Arabia and Mauritania, in place of a sentimentalisation of worldly kinship under Islam.
She continues:
‘Here were people who loved belonging to each other across oceans, swept into a corner of the Australian bushland, huddled in a barn doubling as a place of worship because the townspeople had no room for Pangea in the streets.’
(p251)
This emphasis on the idealised unity of diaspora, in contrast to “the townspeople”, fails to honour the book’s initial, exciting venture into the negated, universal space. It instead decorates the existing depiction of diverse peoples in Australia as a monolithic community united and isolated through our sole identifier: oppression. Perhaps most unfortunately, Abdu’s dilution of difference between those in varying forms of exile also extends to the depiction of Indigenous Australians, at one point connecting their experiences of unhomeliness to ‘hijabis in France’ (p267). The ungroundedness of this approach has a ricochet effect. Aliyah’s indigenous coworker Billie expressing belief that Shep’s Muslim mother was the spiritual reincarnation of her deceased uncle (the only Muslim she had known) comes across as a one-dimensional interpretation of Indigenous beliefs, rather than an expression of POC connection.
In Translations, Jumaana Abdu invokes the philosophies of Edward Said in writing: ‘I think it matters what people see. It depends – depends on who’s making the image, who the image is for’ (p146). A new image is quietly born in her work, and bravely so, but it is just as quietly buried. Against the aesthetic touchstones of “the Middle Eastern” – desert dunes, a headscarf turning into a flag in the wind, hardcover editions of One thousand and One Nights – Abdu’s strength in imagining a new way of belonging is muted. We are returned to those still waters, uniform and indistinguishable, denied once more the individuality afforded to whiteness. Perhaps, the alternative is a story that is yet to be translated.
NOTES
- 1.Abdu, J. (2024b) We love to dissect our ‘private lives’, but is forgoing privacy the only way to prove I am a human being? | Jumaana Abdu, The Guardian.
- 2.ibid.
- 3.Said, E.W. (1979) Orientalism. 2nd edn. New York, NY: Vintage Books.
ROUMINA PARSA is an Iranian-Australian writer based in Melbourne/ Naarm. She appeared in the 2024 Emerging Writers’ Festival, was shortlisted for the 2022 Catalyse Nonfiction Prize, and her work has previously featured in Kill Your Darlings, Liminal, Meanjin and more.
November 11, 2024 / mascara / 0 Comments
Because I am Not Myself, You See
Ariane Beeston
Black Inc
ISBN 978-1760644505
Reviewed by A.D. JOHN
I tumbled headfirst into Ariane Beeston’s beautiful, poignant, and heart-wrenching memoir, Because I’m Not Myself You See. It affected me like no book has in recent memory. I devoured it over a weekend, engrossed in a story that opened my eyes to postpartum psychosis—a condition both terrifying and isolating. Whilst reading, I was reminded of novelist and poet Alice Walker’s words: “Hard times require furious dancing. Each of us is proof.” In many ways, Beeston’s memoir is its own furious dance—a lionhearted, defiant act of poetic expression that transforms pain into a resonant story of fortitude, resilience, and healing.
This work confronts us with the unsettling realities of postpartum psychosis, a condition that endures in the background of mainstream medical discourse despite affecting countless new mothers. As a psychologist and former child protection worker, Beeston occupies a unique position—offering a rare, paradoxical insight that deepens her fears of inadequacy while arming her with the language to understand it. Her narrative is not merely a personal testament but an exposure of a societal blind spot, challenging the stigma surrounding maternal mental health.
Throughout the opening chapters of Because I’m Not Myself You See, Beeston leaves a breadcrumb trail of personal insights that, in hindsight, hint at her later diagnosis. She recounts her time on the phones at the DoCS helpline in NSW, her role as a field caseworker at a Sydney community service centre, and, most ironically, her “dream job” as a psychologist at a DoCS office in Western Sydney. These roles bring her into frequent contact with removals and the organisation of visitations for parents labelled “unfit” by the system, with her team informally referred to in the office as “The Removalists.” This nickname alone subtly foreshadows her own fears as a new mother; it’s easy to see why, after the birth of her son Henry, she becomes anxious that someone might come to take him away. Her distress deepens when she notices a rash on Henry, a sign she misinterprets through the lens of her professional experience, and her internal alarm only grows louder.
Beeston shares intimate truths, painting a raw picture of postpartum reality. From night sweats following Henry’s birth to the disquieting struggle of bonding with her newborn son, she uncovers dimensions of new motherhood that are seldom acknowledged. The pressure she feels when an instinctive connection with her child doesn’t immediately form is particularly heart-wrenching, resonating as deeply human, delicate and vulnerable.
In the chapter titled “Transference,” Beeston explores the delicate boundary where professional support blends imperceptibly with emotional enmeshment, an involvement from her doctor that disrupts the clarity of the caregiver-patient relationship. The confusion this overstepping instils within her is palpable, a reminder of the delicate balance required in therapeutic settings, where boundaries exist to protect as much as to heal. This encounter, brief as it seems, sends her spiralling, introducing a tension that will take years to unravel. Yet, as absorbing as this chapter is, Beeston chooses not to delve deeper into the complexities of transference, leaving questions unanswered about the broader implications of therapeutic attachment and the ways in which a healer’s intentions can inadvertently wound.
The memoir is not without its difficult moments. The direct and indirect accounts of loss—whether from suicide, infanticide, or neonatal death—are haunting. These stories are challenging to read, yet Beeston presents them with an unflinching honesty. They underscore the urgency of recognising maternal mental health and its wide-reaching impact, emphasising that it is a critical component of well-being for both mother and child.
Even within the darkness, Beeston finds moments of levity and resilience, drawing a chuckle from the bleakest of situations. In the chapter titled “If They Make Me Do Art Therapy,” while staying at the mother and baby psychiatric unit at St John of God Hospital in Burwood, she shares her humorous perspective on art therapy sessions.
Recovery, as Beeston reveals, is not a linear ascent but a labyrinthine journey fraught with regressions and unforeseen detours. The memoir dismantles the comforting illusion of a definitive cure, exposing the fragility of mental health and the perpetual vigilance required to maintain it. “Even after you’re better and no longer just living but thriving, if you’ve lost your mind before, you carry the fear of losing it again,” she writes. This acknowledgment disrupts conventional narratives of mental illness as a journey from sickness to cure, insisting instead on the authenticity of fluctuation—a more honest reflection of lived experience.
Equally compelling is the portrayal of her husband, Robb, who stands beside her with steadfast support throughout her journey. His unwavering compassion highlights the vital role that partners play in navigating postpartum challenges. Beeston reflects on the pressures her illness places on their relationship, acknowledging the complexities both faces. She contemplates the sacrifices Robb makes for their family—the missed opportunities—to provide stability for their son after years of “choppy waters.” His experiences underscore the need for greater awareness and support for partners, who often grapple with their own emotional struggles while striving to remain a steady source of strength.
Beeston’s literary style elevates the memoir beyond a personal account. Using techniques like epizeuxis and polysyndeton, she weaves a hypnotic rhythm into her prose. The deliberate repetition and flowing conjunctions mirror the relentless cycles of her mental health struggles, pulling readers into the pulsating heart of her experience. The memoir becomes an immersive journey, where language itself serves as a conduit for emotion, amplifying the relentlessness of postpartum psychosis.
The memoir also masterfully examines the gradual erosion of friendships. Beeston recalls the quiet drifting apart and isolation that arises when one’s world narrows to the immediacy of survival. She acknowledges her friends’ efforts to stay close yet admits to a sense of retreat as her energy is consumed entirely by caring for Henry. This honest exploration uncovers how illness can reshape relationships, fraying bonds once considered tight knit.
What distinguishes Because I’m Not Myself You See is its unflinching examination of the interconnectedness of personal and systemic challenges. Beeston does not isolate her experience within individual pathology but situates it within a broader context of cultural and institutional shortcomings. Her advocacy extends beyond the immediate challenges faced by mother and baby, thoughtfully exploring the relationships that surround them—especially those of fathers and partners. Beeston urges for a more holistic approach to mental health that considers the entire family unit.
In her introduction for the memoir at Abbey’s Bookstore, Ariane shared that this is the book she wished she’d had while going through her battle with postpartum psychosis. I believe it’s a book all parents should read. To declare this recounting “important” for parents or anyone close to them feels like an understatement. Ariane’s raw chronicle of those dark days and her journey back into the light offers not only profound insights into mental health but also a deeper understanding of this brutal and oppressive affliction, helping loved ones and partners become more prepared and supportive. Above all, this courageous work has the potential to save lives.
A. D. John is a Wiradjuri writer residing on unceded Gadigal land. He is a recipient of the 2023 Penguin Random House “Write It” Fellowship and a winner of the 2023 Writing NSW Cultivate Mentorship Program. His work has been published in Mascara Literary Review and Kill Your Darlings magazine. He is currently studying for a Master of Creative Writing at the University of Sydney.
November 4, 2024 / mascara / 0 Comments
Thanks for Having Me
By Emma Darragh
Allen & Unwin
Reviewed by HOLDEN WALKER
I cannot say I’ve ever had the eureka moment in which I found myself lost in a novel that felt like it had been written for me or had been written about the world I knew personally. Perhaps my interest in Australian fiction has unintentionally favoured rural towns, characterised by their isolation and unforgiving natural landscapes. Although these stories come close to offering something familiar, their small-town melodramas still feel worlds apart, for I do not know them in the same way I know the lower food court in the central Wollongong shopping centre, the one accessible when you get off the escalator in front of Coles, the one Vivian visits in the opening lines of Emma Darragh’s 2024 short story cycle, Thanks For Having Me.
Thanks For Having Me feels like a photo album, where every captured moment is a detailed but temporally scattered snapshot of working-class life, featuring nostalgic recollections of playing ‘doughnut on a string’ and finding hidden Christmas presents. Darragh creates a dynamic depiction of youth from the 1960s to the 2020s through strategically placed allusions to recognisable traditions, routines, and cultural attitudes. These moments of familiarity and recognition elicit intense empathy for protagonists Mary Anne, Vivian, and Evie, each of whom personifies a different epoch. While Darragh provides ongoing narration of her characters’ contemporary lives, this is often intercut with memories that create a dynamic portrayal of girlhood and womanhood. Reflecting the spirit of the times, this is a coming-of-age narrative spanning almost sixty years.
Darragh’s rendering of the Illawarra feels incredibly immersive. The short story collection transports readers across postcodes, from Vivian’s central Wollongong apartment to Mary Anne’s Berkeley home, and through bus stop, car park, and RSL club in between. Symbolic of Mary Anne’s attempted but ultimately failed escape to Sydney, Thanks For Having Me remains isolated from any grand notions of metropolitan Australia; instead, it reads as a love song to an often-overlooked city. The text’s emphasis on place as a narrative device serves as the ‘tie that binds’ the three revolving protagonists to their history, identity, and ultimately, to each other.
Darragh’s character voice and perspective, accurately and effortlessly reflect the zeitgeist occupied by her protagonists. This style is cleverly integrated into Evie’s narration when she describes Vivian’s apartment as ‘urbancore’ and describes Vivian’s tea towels as ‘aesthetic’. Character perspective is further developed in the values and beliefs of each protagonist, influenced by their environment and reminiscent of the cultural landscape they inhabit. This is explicitly seen in Vivian’s allusions to disordered eating behaviours in her early adolescence, catalysed by her interest in popular magazines and the supermodel culture of the 1990s.
Darragh’s rotating protagonists create the capacity for readers to see not only themselves but also their mothers, grandmothers, and daughters mirrored in the text, an effect that is achieved not only through her commitment to dense and complex characterisation but also through her signature use of compounding minor details, all of which contribute to the composition of stories that resemble genuine memories. For me, this technique was most effectively executed in the characterisation of Mary Anne, who, despite bearing no biographical resemblance to anyone I have ever known, reminded me considerably of both my mother and my maternal grandmother. Perhaps it was something in her affinity for chocolate or That’s Life magazine; but whatever the case, I could not overlook the radiance in Darragh’s depiction of women inhabiting a fictional yet vibrantly realised Illawarra.
In addition to fostering an impressive emotional connection between reader and text, Thanks For Having Me offers valuable commentary on the nature of familial relationships, often more specifically, those between mothers and daughters. Further, an unexpected but impactful theme that also emerged in the text was the cycle of unintended negative influence parents may have on their children.
When a story is focalised through the perspectives of the women as children, we are exposed to memories that portray the mother-daughter relationship in a manner that highlights subtle and unintentional cruelty. These moments include when Mary Anne burns her hands dropping a cake and is met with scolding instead of sympathy. Similarly, when Vivian buys herself a tube of lipstick that makes her feel confident and pretty, Mary Anne implies she doesn’t like it by telling Vivian she wasted her money. Each character’s childhood perspectives emphasise the distance between herself and her mother.
It is not until years later that both Mary Anne and Vivian experience the impossibility of being a perfect parent, more specifically, the impossibility of flawlessly executing the level of patience and kindness that they wished they had been on the receiving end of in their own youth. Realising this reality, Darragh explores the duality of motherhood, the moments of connection and triumph but also the moments of conflict and disappointment. The impossibility of perfection is beautifully personified through Vivian’s character. From the beginning of the collection, it is evident that Vivian desperately wants to be a good mother to Evie; however, her short temper and violent disposition repeatedly undermine this goal. This dichotomy is first alluded to when Vivian’s desire to welcome Evie into her home leads her to overspend at the supermarket. Directly following, as Vivian tried to leave the shopping centre, her frustration with a persistent ‘chugger’ causes her to lose control and punch him.
Vivian’s history of being quick to anger is further demonstrated in her memory of hitting Evie at the beach after she refused to put on sunscreen. Darragh’s cleverly integrated flashback adds essential context to the strained relationship between mother and daughter. Vivian’s loss of emotional control is later emphasised when it is suggested that Vivian hit Evie harder than she realised, leaving a painful bruise that remains visible days after the incident. Despite this, it remains evident that Vivian loves Evie dearly and tries her best to be a good mother to her. However, Vivian is a victim of the same reality that has impacted the generations of women who preceded her: the impossibility of perfection and the inevitable navigation of the mistakes and misfortunes that arise when attempting to raise a child.
Thanks For Having Me is an intimate and nostalgic rendition of the lives of multiple generations of women in the Illawarra as they navigate both the joys and sorrows of girlhood, womanhood and motherhood. The collection is coloured by its vibrant narrative voice and its skilled execution of multiple perspectives, each revealing the coming-of-age experiences of its three protagonists. The text examines the complex and turbulent nature of familial relationships across eras, navigating the subject with empathy, nuance and a touch of Darragh’s radiant sense of humour. Above all, Thanks for Having Me is a text that made me, and with any luck, will make others, feel seen and understood.
October 26, 2024 / mascara / 0 Comments
Su-May Tan was born and raised in Malaysia but is currently living on Wurundjeri land in Melbourne. Her debut short story collection Lake Malibu and Other Stories was shortlisted for the Queensland Literary Awards 2022. Her debut YA novel Katie goes to KL, published by Penguin (Southeast Asia), was released in Australia in March 2024. Su-May is interested in the modern Asian diaspora. She works at an international humanitarian organisation as a copywriter.
Is life better over here?
“For those who’ve come across the seas,
We’ve boundless plains to share.”
The day we arrived Melbourne was a rainy evening in autumn though at that time the seasons meant nothing to us. In Malaysia it is either hot or very hot all year round. We were entering as skilled migrants – here to pursue the great Australian dream of fresh air, sunshine and a world of opportunity.
As the taxi swept us over the West Gate Bridge, I thought of our double-storey house in Kuala Lumpur – the frangipani tree in the garden about to bloom, the city we had just left still twinkling in the warmth of late-night food stalls. Outside my window, the rain continued to fall. Walls hollered with graffiti, and traffic lights fizzled in that haze of red and green through windows splattered with rain. Somewhere beyond the darkness, a drunken shadow stumbled into the night. So, this, was Melbourne.
The hardest part about moving to a new country, I found, was not the actual moving but reestablishing your career all over again. Suddenly, you needed a resume when you never needed one before. You had to go for interviews when you used to get jobs by word of mouth. You needed to prove yourself all over again – which, with small kids in tow, was no easy task.
At playgroup, I found that many mums opted to take a break when their kids were little and many returned to work part-time. But many new migrants don’t have the luxury and perks that come with a job you’ve been in for years. At the same time, I also discovered that being a housewife was not financially or mentally feasible. As I wiped toddler crumbs off the floor for the third time that evening, I contemplated the lifestyle of my peers in Malaysia, many of whom can afford helpers who take care of cooking, cleaning and bathing so you can come back home to a nice clean house and children you can then spend ‘quality time’ with. You are not too exhausted to read a story or talk to them about their day. You have time to switch off work – or work overtime if you wish.
In a popular Youtube clip, Anthony Bourdain calls this ‘bourgeois’ – “You are living off the labour of a repressed underclass,” he said of the ubiquitous presence of maids in Singaporean households. Bourgie or not, thanks to the affordable labour supply from neighbouring countries such as Indonesia and the Phillipines, streams of Asian mothers have been able to return to work after three months, resume their flourishing careers, and indulge in all the luxuries of a worldly urbanite.
The Skilled Migration visa is based on the concept that migrants are needed for the Australian economy to grow. The migrants in return will be able to enjoy the great Australian dream of first-world living and access to a wealth of opportunities. The downside? It’s not so easy to get work if you’re expecting the same thing. Many new migrants find themselves in a Catch 22 of not having the ‘local experience’ employers seek. I know senior marketing managers who are packing groceries, engineers working as electricians, or IT professionals driving Ubers around – for a certain amount of time at least.
Is it worth it? Who are you at the end of the day? The skilled migrant that contributes to the economy, or the foreigner taking jobs away? “Migration is always that force of change that questions who we are, that puts a mirror to our face,” said sociologist, Hein De Haas. “Where it gets tricky is when migrants are being framed by politicians as the threat that comes our way.”
Haas argues that it is normal for people to feel challenged when outsiders move in – but these feelings tend to subside over time. “Migrants mean change. Groups that are now seen as fully part of American society or any European society in the past were also The Outsiders and became The Insiders.” Haas adds that for four to five centuries, Europeans used to be the ultimate migrants, moving out to colonise the Americas and later other continents. “I sometimes say, that was the biggest illegal migration in human history.”
As time went by, my partner and I learnt to navigate the relentless marathon of working and parenting in Australia. We found ourselves entwined in a multi-layered landscape of new migrants, old migrants, First Nations communities and more – and we wondered where we fit in all of this. Malaysia too consists of a melting pot of cultures – Chinese, Malays, Indians – but why didn’t we feel like outsiders there? Is it because everyone spoke Bahasa Malaysia? What then is Australia’s national language?
*
Years have passed and I’ve learnt to do a lot of things myself. I can fill up bank forms with one hand. I can prepare breakfast, pack lunch, do pick-ups and drop-offs – and still manage to squeeze work in between. Melbourne has taught me to be a parent, or more precisely, it has taught me that it is okay to be one.
And yet, as I feed my youngest child and revel in the joy she has in slurping up a strand of spaghetti, I reflect on all these things I have done on my own and I notice the quietness of my living room. The gum tree creaking outside, the footpath cold and silent, and I think of the country I have left behind. Despite the traffic, the chaos, and the way rules are bent all over the place, would it not be better to have a village around?
Moving here, I know that the children will never really know their roots, not the way I did. There is only so much you can learn from Mandarin class 50 minutes a week before running out into a world full of Australian words and Australian life. Sure, they might have a trip back home every few years, but it will simply be a holiday like any other. My children will never understand the beauty of chaos; where malls are abuzz until 10pm, where cars trump pedestrians, and no one complains about the hawker stalls spilling out onto a street.
The country has a Malaysia Boleh attitude, a ‘we-can-do-anything-ness’ that flies through the city like a flag that inspires people to break boundaries and try new things. How do you explain the joy of eating in a back lane at midnight, or being able to understand three languages simply because you have heard them all your life?
Every time I go back to Malaysia, there is something bigger, shinier and newer. The malls there make Chaddy look like a suburban store. And the payment systems are so advanced. People were tapping and paying for things all over the place using apps I’d never heard of before. Things like Eftpos and PayID were considered pre-historic.
On my last trip back, the Light Rail Transit was complete, transforming the skyline into something from Blade Runner. Gentrified cafes had cropped up everywhere offering contemporary treats like matcha ice-cream, sourdough croissants and Michelin-star cakes. Apartments with rooftop pools and hanging gardens painted the skyline like an architecture magazine. Meanwhile, in Melbourne, the city had not changed much since my university days. The Union Building still looked the same as it did 20 years ago and trams plowed Swanston Street like they did in the 1903.
That said, many migrants flock to Melbourne not for its infrastructure but for the underlying foundations that uphold society such as a system of government that is seen as world-class, transparent, and genuinely dedicated to giving everyone a fair go. Almost one third of Australians today are born overseas and whether it is from UK, Italy or China, we have all left people and places behind, many of whom are no more. We are all learning to carve a new life, and hanging on to the pieces of culture and language that exist only in our memories.
Suddenly the festivals and celebrations we used to celebrate with such fanfare, have become private family rituals that remind us of who we used to be. The mooncake festivals, the Chinese New Year reunion dinners, winter solstice; each year and every generation they remain special but are somewhat smaller, and more diluted.
Instead, we celebrate Easter and Christmas, the Grand Finals and the significance of NAIDOC week. What ties us together is a bigger, all-encompassing celebration of life, of family, of people who have made the choice to seek alternate pastures; whose second, third or fourth generation children may feel loss, but who will hopefully emerge as Australians and citizens of the world.
When I go for school assemblies, the national anthem still brings a tear to my eye as I view this mass of children whose families have come from ‘across the seas’ to share in the ‘boundless plains’. Part of me feels lost on this gigantic continent at the edge of the world and I feel the distance between where I stand and where I was born; requiring a five-hour flight just to get to the other side of the country and an additional four to reach South East Asia.
At this point, my 14-year-old son walks into the room. The garden outside is blooming with the irises I’d planted last spring. He tells me about a funny thing that happened in school. My daughter is at gymnastics and we’re having shepherd’s pie for dinner later tonight. In that moment, I have an epiphany – it doesn’t matter where I am or where I was from, as long as I was here.
When my son finds something simple, he says it’s ‘easy as’. He likes sausage sizzles and vegemite sandwiches, and acknowledges Wurundjeri land. He calls a ‘duvet’ a ‘doona’ and says things like ‘Woolies’, ‘Maccas’ and ‘Mate’. And I think maybe… maybe we do have a national language after all.
October 26, 2024 / mascara / 0 Comments
Refugia
By Elfie Shiosaki
Magabala Books
ISBN 9781922777133
Reviewed by CHLOE ROBINSON
Having previously reviewed Shiosaki’s writing, I picked up Refugia with high expectations, anticipating powerful language and incredible storytelling. But this went well beyond my expectations, achieving its 5-star status, not even halfway through the opening section. I read through the collection twice without leaving my chair, turning the pages by lamplight many hours after I should’ve been in bed, rendered shellshocked and starstruck, completely entranced and unable to set the book down.
Refugia is the latest poetry collection by Noongar and Yawuru writer, Elfie Shiosaki, whose debut collection Homecoming (2021) was shortlisted for the Stella Prize among numerous other awards. Drawing inspiration from the first year of NASA’s James Webb Space Telescope’s search to understand how the first stars and galaxies were formed, Refugia, takes us on a journey to understand the formation of the Swan River Colony in 1829. Each poem in the collection is presented as a star, in a sky littered with history, begging to be explored. As we journey through the collection, Shiosaki paints a breathtakingly raw portrait of our country’s history, full of nostalgic evocations of earth and space, and unfiltered retellings of the violence inflicted by colonial settlement. Pulling from both the National Library of Australia archives and the UK Parliamentary Archives, Shiosaki seeks to understand the origins of western settlement, exploring the violent formation of what is now known as Western Australia, through the colonizer’s language, as well as her own. The collection paints a breathtakingly raw portrait of our country’s history, the power of the earth and the stars, the years of unjust violence, and the ongoing journey to recovery. The collection revives the heartbeat of the land buried under the bloodied footsteps of Western invasion.
in cosmic cliffs
womb of dust and gas
a story is born
(p.3)
The opening poem, ‘a galaxy of stories’, immediately transports you into the constellations of history kept alive through storytelling. You are greeted by the ‘womb’ of the earth, the birthplace of a universe of stories, and begin your journey through the stars, and toward an understanding of our history.
…hundreds of billions of stars
warping space
stretching light from the early universe
hurtling towards my eyes
(p.3)
Entering the collection feels like stepping into a world beyond time and space, into a sparkling sea of stars and stories. Yet, in turning the page, we are faced with an act of omnipotent and inescapable destruction, the meteor that is John Stirling. We are first introduced to western invasion, through ‘Chicxulub Impact/1829’, the second poem in the collection. Here, the year of Stirling’s invasion (1829), is coupled with an image of extermination: ‘Chicxulub’ the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs, and, in a striking echo of the events of 1829, the beauty we have been introduced to in the opening poem, is crushed, buried ‘under the burning debris’ of colonial settlement (p.4). The two events, introduced through the poem’s title, only separated by a forward slash, act as mirrors of the other, Stirling is an architect of extermination, his footsteps on Noongar Nation, an asteroid crushing all life on earth. Our journey toward understanding the formation of Swan River, is immediately characterised as one of mass erasure, the sky of stories we travel through, now blackened with the horrors of colonization.
In this collection, Shiosaki refuses to shy away from the atrocities bloodening the land. Horrific events have occurred and Shiosaki will not let us look away. Placing texts extracted from national archives throughout her collection to depict the unjust cruelty and senseless violence perpetuated by historical figures we are taught to celebrate.
Whereas divers of His Majesty’s subjects have by the license and consent of His
Majesty effected a settlement upon certain
wild and unoccupied lands
(p.19)
These lines, pulled from the Western Australian Act 1829 in the UK Parliamentary archives, sit among the people the act seeks to erase; ‘naming and claiming lands known as intimately to the Whadjuk as the smiling lines around our own grandmothers’ eyes’ (p.20). Shiosaki makes us look beyond the statues donated by ‘CHANNEL NINE AND RADIO 6KY’ (p.11) and the lies written in our history books ‘decisive encounter massacre’ (p.29) toward the truth, recorded in official statements, which shows that Stirling knowingly and savagely massacred a community. In this collection, Shiosaki skilfully manipulates language, reworking texts previously used to validate the violence perpetuated by colonial hands, to dismantle the ingrained cultural perceptions of their fraudulent innocence.
Despite the pain seeping throughout the collection, there remains an unrelenting sense of hope, ‘I refuse / to walk on Country / wounded / limping’ (p.68). Shiosaki refuses to let us ignore what was taken, yet, we do not lose sight of what remains, the stars – and the stories within them – are alive, passed down through the earth and through those who walk upon it. The title poem ‘Refugia’, the only poem in the collection set in the future, is a manifestation of this hope, a reckoning of country, the land enacting its revenge on those who have unjustly intruded upon it. Refugia tells the story of eucalyptus avia, a tree system emerging from the earth to disrupt the foundations of the city above it, displacing the people who have settled upon it and reclaiming the land stolen years ago. White picket fences are turned into rubble and life returns to the land. The earth becomes a character of resistance and regeneration, where hope is not just a possibility, but something alive.
Their root systems cracked open footpaths, roads and foundations of every house and building, bending and breaking them to
the will of a new master.
(p.78)
Refugia is a powerful and emotional exploration of our country’s history, the future that should have been, and the horrific reality of what was. Shiosaki takes us on a journey through the history of our country, simultaneously confronting us, with the truth of western settlement, and its ongoing and inescapable consequences. The violent history that has been paraphrased and minimised in our history books, is placed, raw and untouched, directly across from heartbreaking explorations of the pain and suffering modern Australia was founded upon. Never before in a poetry collection–or in any text for that matter–have I encountered such a wholistic exploration of our land’s history. The collection delves into heartache, grief, love, hope, family, violence, genocide, and everything in between. I finished Refugia in awe, wiped away my tears, and haven’t stopped recommending it to anyone who will listen. A masterpiece of language, and a powerful exploration of our country’s history, Refugia is a work of art that belongs permanently in the Australian curriculum and on all Australian bookshelves.
CHLOE ROBINSON (she/her) is a writer and avid reader born and raised in Bunurong and Wadawurrung Country. She is currently undertaking her Masters in Writing and Publishing at RMIT University after completing her Bachelors in English Literature at the University of Melbourne.
October 22, 2024 / mascara / 0 Comments
Antonia Hildebrand is a poet, short story writer, screenwriter, novelist and essayist. Her first published short story appeared in Downs Images and in Woman’s Day Summer Reading and she has since been widely published in journals, magazine and anthologies in Australia as well as Britain, the USA and Ireland. Many of her short stories have been broadcast by Radio 91.3FM Yeppoon. She is the author of nine books, including three books of poetry, two short story collections, two essay collections and novels. Her novel The Darkened Room was published by Ginninderra Press in 2022. Her poetry collection, Broken Dolls was published by Tangerine Books in 2024.
King Crab
When I was twelve, my mother got cancer. It was 1966, the Vietnam War was on TV every night, and no one really seemed to have much idea why this war was happening, so I accepted on that basis that disasters just happened. Not that anyone admitted that my mother’s situation was a disaster. It was discussed behind closed doors, but I was protected. It didn’t matter. I knew everything and especially the things they didn’t want me to know. My mother had a tumour on her thyroid and it was malignant. There was some complication and they couldn’t operate. She was going to be in hospital for weeks having radiation and chemotherapy.
Dad and I were living in a borrowed beach house about a half hour drive from the hospital. It had been loaned by Dad’s mate Greg. He was a wheeler-dealer always buying and selling things he had acquired in mysterious ways. So it wasn’t that surprising that he turned up one day with a king crab- a huge thing built like a tank. Its claws were bound but it was still alive so it was moving its claws around –or trying to. It has tiny eyes which I imagined were focused on me, furiously, as if I was to blame for its suffering. He had huge, meaty claws, sprinkled with red decoration and tipped with black. I knew that in the zodiac, the sign of cancer was symbolized by a crab, so the link between him and my mother’s disease was there from the minute I set eyes on him.
We had left our farm in the care of Dad’s brother, Kevin, and I was determined to get back there, back to the cows and the little white farm house that had been my world until Mum got sick. And it was simply unthinkable that we would go back there without Mum. King Crab, as I thought of him, was put into the tub in the laundry and I suppose my father planned to make him into our dinner the next day. I decided that given that a crab had my mother held hostage in the hospital, killing and eating this crab would be very bad juju. I became convinced that it would doom my mother. The huge crustacean focused his tiny eyes on me and made impatient gestures as I formulated a plan to free him. I could hear the hum of Dad and Greg’s conversation. I knew what they would be talking about. It wasn’t hard to imagine. How foolish they were, I told myself, to think that killing and eating this crab would not have terrible consequences. I knew I had to act.
After Greg left, Dad seemed listless. Talking about what had happened to Mum only drained him of hope, I could see that.
‘I think I’ll have a lie down, Alan’, he said with the ghost of a smile and he went into the bedroom and shut the door.
I could hear King Crab rattling around in the tub demanding his freedom. I would give it to him and in exchange he would give me back my mother. I even went into the laundry and looked into what I supposed was his face and said,
‘Is that a deal?’
King Crab stopped moving his claws and was completely still. I took this as agreement to my plan. In the beach house you could hear the ocean. The waves seemed very close and King Crab could hear them too, I supposed. He wanted to go back to his home as much as I did.
As the sun balanced on the ocean like a big orange ball and then sank down into it, extinguished for another day, and darkness fell over the beach house like a net, I waited patiently for Dad to turn in for the night. He wasn’t hungry so we had toasted beetroot sandwiches for tea with ginger beer for me and real beer for him. He watched the news after tea; I couldn’t understand why. I thought he had enough troubles of his own without taking on everyone else’s. Then he fell asleep on the couch and began to snore.
‘Dad’, I said, touching his shoulder. ‘Go to bed. You’re asleep on the couch’, I said, stating the obvious.
‘Okay’, he mumbled. ‘Turn off the TV, will you? Goodnight.’
He went to bed. I turned off the TV. In the house now the only sounds were the waves and King Crab rattling and struggling around in the tub, wanting to get back into the ocean. Soon my father’s snores chimed in.
I had to transport a very large crab and even though it was pitch black outside, I had to put him in something. I didn’t want random witnesses possibly reporting to my father that they had seen me walking to the beach holding a big crab if any neighbours happened to witness my nocturnal journey. I looked out the window up at the sky- the big fat moon was shining like a spoon, to quote a song I wouldn’t hear until 1968. I took this as a sign- the moon would light my way. It was after midnight by that time, no one would be around I hoped. I found a sturdy shopping bag. I was scared of King Crab, I thought he would struggle and I might drop him-but when I reached out to pick him up and take him out of the tub, he kept perfectly still, the way he had when I asked him about our deal. I slipped him into the bag, found the key to the back door and let myself out, carefully putting the key in the pocket of my jeans. I had grabbed the kitchen scissors on my way out and I put them in another pocket. I would need them to cut his bonds once we reached the beach.
I knew the way to the beach very well. Dad and I took a walk there most days. I saw no one as I trudged along with the crab in the shopping bag. I was impatient to reach the beach and free him because then I knew my mother would get better. The crab had been still but as we got closer to the beach he began to move around. I held the bag tighter. I mustn’t drop him. If I did his shell might crack. I knew next to nothing about crabs but I knew a cracked shell would not be good. And the deal was that he be delivered alive to the ocean. Otherwise it wouldn’t work. At last the ocean came in sight. The moon shone a silver road across the ocean as the waves rolled and crashed to shore. King Crab was now doing a jig but I had to cut his bonds and I thought as close to the ocean as possible was the best way to do it. So I walked towards the ocean thinking how nice it would be to walk along the silver road that stretched out before me, glowing like silk on the ocean. Down I went on to the beach, the waves roaring in my ears. I took the scissors out of my pocket and reached into the bag and cut the bonds that bound King Crab’s claws. Then I tipped him out on to the beach. He looked at me with his mask of a face. Then he did a sideways charge into the ocean and was swallowed by the waves. I stood there for a minute under the big fat moon that was shining like a spoon. Then I put the scissors in my pocket, picked up the shopping bag and went back up the cold, soft dunes to the road. I walked back through the empty streets certain my mother would live.
We had five good years after that. We went back to the farm. Back to the cows and the little white farm house. Back to normality. My mother was pale and her hair had fallen out but back on the farm colour returned to her face and her hair grew back. My father had stared in disbelief at the empty tub the morning after my walk to the beach in the dark.
‘Where’s the crab?’ he yelled. ‘Did the damn thing escape?’
I tried to look innocent but my father knew. I thought he would be angry but he burst out laughing. It was the first time I had heard him laugh in months.
‘You let it go, didn’t you? I suppose next you’ll be a vegetarian.’
I shook my head.
‘Okay, have a shower and we’ll go and see Mum.’
He was actually smiling.
My mother died, of course she did- five years later. But I’ve always been sure King Crab thought he kept his part of the bargain. He probably would have said, ‘I never promised you forever.’ And, of course, no one can. I often thought of the crab over the years, out there in the ocean and wondered if, five years after I released him, he was caught again. At which point our deal was null and void. But that’s magical thinking: something only a twelve year old boy with a sick mother would believe. That’s what I tell myself.
October 22, 2024 / mascara / 0 Comments
Flow
Luoyang Chen
Red River Press
Available at Amplify Books
Reviewed by NATALIE DAMJANOVICH-NAPOLEON
Flow is both a verb and a noun, an elusive character and a slippery act of movement, in Luoyang Chen’s beguiling debut collection, Flow (Red River). While Chen tells us in his biography that he is interested in the lyric “I” and the vocative exclamation of “O” in his work, this collection reaches far beyond the concerns of the speaker (“I”) or the audience/addressee (“O”) . The self in Chen’s Flow is both expansive and indefinable, with the collection exploring these aspects in migration, queerness, racism, boundaries of the self and modern love. The poems in Flow remind us that “Love prevails at any place/At any time” (51) while this may sound like an empty aphorism, the complexity of the ideas Chen examines in this collection leads the work beyond cliché. Flow shows us that embracing love is an act of defiance against the forces and systems of xenophobia, homophobia, colonialism and oppressive governments that will attempt to make us hate each other.
Chen’s journey into becoming a poet started in Fujian, China, where they began to explore the work of Chinese contemporary, classical and Misty Poets such as Li Bai, Tao Yuanming, Bei Dao and Gu Cheng (Liminal). Then as an IELTS student they were introduced to classic works of English literature, joining a poetry club at Trinity College in 2016 where they discovered the work of Sylvia Plath among others (Liminal). Chen’s background, rooted in both Chinese and English literature, brings a depth of perception and complexity to their work that few of their Australian peers can touch and is reflected in the body of work in Flow. This collection was produced through Perth’s Centre for Stories successful Hot Desk Fellowship that offers emerging writers a space to write, mentorship and a path to publication through the publisher Red River Press.
The performative nature of this collection is highlighted by Chen’s division of the book into Acts I, II and III, each act opening with a well-curated quote from poets Gu Cheng, Bhanu Kapil and Joy Harjo in turn. Act I opens with a poem about migration, setting up this idea of migration as “flow” or movement throughout, while simultaneously introducing the fictional narrator “Flow” who leads us on our journey into exploring the slippery nature of self and identity. In Act I, Flow scratches the surface of Australian society and reveals the monolingual, monocultural hegemony beneath, leaving little space for languages or cultures other than English. Here there is no space or tolerance for error, yet in “Flow Following Errors” Flow finds a way to endure: “To mistake / Wagga Wagga / with waka waka / is not a crime…Australia is a multicultural country and thus Flow can” (19). Among poems exploring the inexplicable motivations behind racism and hate crimes, including murder, like the list-poem “A Notebook of Flow” (25), the poems in Act I also examine Flow’s philosophical musings, on Wittgenstein, and the possibility he is living in Plato’s cave, “Flow dances with his shadows on the wall” (21). For Flow is elusive, Flow could be “river / stream / smoke of incense / parts from the flame inside the body” (14). As such Act I establishes the course of this narrative that dances and moves from philosophy to socio-political observations to Flow’s examination of the transmutable self.
Act II probes Chen’s experimentation with the “reverse lyric” (Donnison), which rather than expressing the personal “I”, studies the constructed self through a third person character. In Act II Flow begins to delve into physical love, questioning in “Sex Animal” if they are the playful, show off, a “willy wagtail”, or simply a desire driven “sex animal” (40). Yet the specter of otherness arises again in “Museum of Ghosts” when Flow must question their place in Australia, “Flow needs to constantly remember // That he is not Australian / often he forgets” (38). For what is it to be seen as Other, yet not be aware of one’s otherness or ghostliness? Through the character of Flow, the reader begins to see how they are the centre of their own world, and that this othering is placed upon them by outside forces, by the power structures of racism and society. Chen questions these heirarchies and how they bleed into relationships of love and desire, asking “But at night Flow cries and / Mourns for your entitlement and betrayal // Competitors and lovers, / What is this you want?” (38). In Act II we begin to see Flow’s rising self -awareness of being made abject and their inability to stop the surge of this process. “The energy of Flow” is not necessarily soft and gentle as we imagine a slow-flowing river, it can be as “cataclysmic” as a fast-moving flood (15). Migration is as much an act of going with the flow in the new country as it is an act of pure annihilation and then rebuilding of the self.
Although Chen uses spare language in Flow there is a sense that each word has been carefully chosen. Like an expert minimalist painting, the poems in Flow show how less is more; less not necessarily meaning simple as the complexity of topics covered attest. “Cooking Words” is a standout poem that renders the entanglements of the English language for a foreign language learner where “…the content of a sentence is / meaningless, the fluency of a sentence / is stuck in here, in his tongue: rootless, useless; / and still Flow cooks, cooks his words / to articulate this unpresentable eloquence” (39). Cooking is a way to incorporate, distill, and make something edible to share once the ingredients of words are reduced to their essence over time.
In Flow as soon as the reader believes they have this collection worked out the poet deftly alters the course of the text. In Act III the lines between Flow and Luoyang become blurred, with the lyric “I” beginning to bleed into the poems, “Ebbing Wave” being a case in point where “Flows’…identity is rooted in the conspiracy of detritus // a half-lie Flow often tells: Luoyang means the setting sun” (63). Love, the body, messages from a mother and letters to friends and lovers begin to seep into the flow of Act III, where the personal begins to pierce the archetypal skin of Flow. “Letter to Andrew Sutherland” is a particularly touching poem which is an ode to friendship, the power of art and lost love, where Chen writes “I believe one of us is a myth” (58). “Trauma” utilizes the power of space, repetition and enjambment to deconstruct four words “this is / what is”, making a commentary on how trauma intersects and shatters a life. It is in this final act that the collection seems to hit its stride and I wonder if Chen should have dug deeper into the personal throughout to highlight this ebb and flow between the identities of Luoyang and Flow. Yet Flow is overall an immensely satisfying read because we get to partake in the development of the character Flow through each act. This collection explores both how we shape ourselves and how outside forces shape who we become and introduces a fresh new voice to Australian poetry.
Flow’s world is one where nothing is static, even poetry, where everything is movable and unrooted and shifts beyond the binary. It is the world of the immigrant, the lover, the liminal artist striving to find answers yet never settling for simple solutions.
Works Cited
Chen, Luoyang. Flow. Red River. 2023.
Chen, Luoyang. Heartlines [interview]. By Annika Donnison. 2024 https://centreforstories.com/stories/heartlines/luoyang-chen/
Chen, Luoyang. 5 Questions with Luoyang Chen [interview]. By Liminal Magazine. 2024.
https://www.liminalmag.com/5-questions/luoyang-chen
October 6, 2024 / mascara / 0 Comments
Roumina Parsa is an Iranian-Australian writer based in Melbourne/ Naarm. She appeared in the 2024 Emerging Writers’ Festival, was shortlisted for the 2022 Catalyse Nonfiction Prize, and her work has previously featured in Kill Your Darlings, Liminal, Meanjin and more.
The internet has a beating heart and it goes to the rhythm of –
When you don’t open an app for a while it will gain sentience. I tried taking a week off of social media and got to five days (also a working week for the unemployed) and each day my phone came more alive talking that internet language:
Redacted and 64 other accounts you follow have posted on Instagram. Redacted uploaded a story on Facebook. Redacted recently shared a new reel. Do you know redacted? Do you want to sync redacted from your contacts? Do you want to follow redacted? Do you want to hold redacted’s hand and tell them your secrets and braid each other’s hair?
It reminds me of when I was 12 and had my first blow of agoraphobia, though I didn’t know then that’s what it was, an event made up of no understanding and all experience. The suddenly inability to go to school, to sleep alone, to exist as a human how I had before. It was all very dramatic. My parents were forced to worry about me in a way they’d never needed to and it didn’t suit any of us well.
I had to go see the school counsellor who sat me down and said much of the same as my apps; that my friends were making new friends, and things were changing, and I was being left behind. At 12 you can’t know what that all means. The passage of time, the concept of things moving on without you. It just sounds like being dead. And what’s a 12 year old supposed to do with that? What’s the threat of time passing when you can only perceive forever?
The counsellor was too old and too mean to change me anyway. So far removed from the quietness of a child’s defiance to understand it was only made of fear, all the way through.
Is that what you want? For all your friends to forget about you? She’d asked.
Oh brother, I’d thought, my stomach hurts.
In abstinence from the apps my hands grew idle and my mind quiet from the voices of others and I felt again in an old way what it meant to be singular. At the centre of your own world but on the periphery of that great other, where everything was happening and where you were not. It made me think of Bane and his monologue in the Dark Knight Rises – him telling Batman how he was born in a pit, and that made him one with the darkness on a level that
Batman never could be; he who chose it. I couldn’t decide which one I was, Bane or Batman – the chosen or the chooser of the deep dark.
The apps pierced through: are you sure you don’t know redacted?
I didn’t know redacted. I knew my whispering girl on YouTube, the only app I decided to keep using, staying away from the comments and the shorts. I have a premium account on it that I worked real hard for, downloading a proxy to connect to Turkey where I could get it cheaper so someone could whisper-read me a book and tap on its cover as I fell asleep without an ad interrupting.
[I do often consider what my ancestors must think of me, the rotten fruit of their labours. All those soldiers and mothers and otherwise wounded warriors looking down at all this (I’m pointing, round and round, at my many comforts) and seeing someone crouching beneath a tall ceiling, collapsing under the weight of nothing. It’s fine though, really, and if it’s not I can bring the ceilings down lower, and if my ancestors hate that too – well, what can any of us do for the aches of the dead?]
My whispering girl only chooses books I’m pretentious enough to think are stupid, lending themselves so easily to boredom and the eyes closing. She’s younger than me but/ and pregnant and has started inviting everyone to take a deep breath with her at the beginning of her videos. Naturally, I comply. Thinking, nothing is happening and maybe that’s it.
I started wondering though if anyone from my apps missed me. If anyone had even noticed I’d been gone. What was the weight of one person’s absence? What was the sound withheld from the collective of voices? I knew what I was asking was much bigger, the tiniest babushka doll in the set of worries I was too defiant to open.
For those who’ve seen it, you know Bane’s monologue ends on this, a note of defiance. But maybe you hear the fear also, all the way through, when he says: I didn’t see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!
When I log into my apps again it’s to see the photos my friends had posted of us – the friends the counsellor had long ago threatened I’d lose. They picked the ugliest ones but it’s fine because I’m in them, because I was there. Because I wasn’t born here; not in this darkness, not in this pit, not even in this country. I was brought here by a patchwork of choices, made by and for me, and that’s the least important part actually. The darkness doesn’t belong to me, or to you. It holds no loyalties, it promises no victories. It denounces itself with its own emptiness. It falters with what it means to use as a threat; some substance of the very end.
That’s only for the dead though, for us alive and itching and and online and pleading, it is still redacted.
September 27, 2024 / mascara / 0 Comments
Rochelle Pickles is a writer, editor and non-practising psychologist from Boorloo, currently living and writing on unceded Gadigal land. Her work has been published in the anthologies Soak and Our Selves by Brio Books and Night Parrot Press. Rochelle has an MA in Creative Writing and she is working on a novel.
Centipede
An eruption of sound wakes her from sleep, relentless and familiar. It takes her a moment in dream to decipher the feeling of panic, like the crackle of an oiled frypan before bursting into unexpected flame.
Something then sinks in her, and she reaches out a hand to press the snooze button on the alarm, knowing she doesn’t have time to snooze.
In the shower the anxiety grips hardest—staring at the back of the bathtub thinking of all the clients for the day, all the problems to solve.
He’s asleep in their bed as she stands naked before the wardrobe, staring at all of the worthless pieces of fabric she’s expected to put on her body every day and pretend to be a person. All too stiff, too tight, too colourful. She doesn’t want any of it on her. After fifteen minutes of staring, she selects the same thing she wore yesterday. She paints her face and puts a headband on so she won’t have to brush her hair. He inches an eye open and looks at her reflection in the mirror.
‘Beautiful,’ he says reassuringly, knowing her mind.
She moves her mouth into a smile but the part of her that would feel something knocks hollow in her chest. She kisses him on the head and picks up her handbag to leave.
* * *
Quinn was late to the appointment, her foundation sweating off as she walk-ran down the street.
Arriving at the front door of the building, she stood for a moment to take a deep breath before pushing the doors open. She hated that her therapist might think her disorganised.
Deanna was walking breezily towards her in creaseless lilac linen before Quinn even finished checking in with the receptionist. She was in her early fifties and always wore flowing outfits and beaded sandals. She smiled warmly and said,
‘Morning, Quinn. That’s a lovely outfit. Would you like a cup of tea?’
Quinn made a brief calculation, determining whether the additional time waiting for tea to be made was worth the dent in therapy time she needed to work out how make it through another day. She said yes and wiped the sweat from the bridge of her nose. They settled into the plush cream couches and Deanna rested her notebook on her knee. She looked up, expectedly.
Fifty minutes later, Quinn exited Deanna’s office puffy-eyed, paid and walked back to her car. She twisted the rear-view mirror to check her face and reapply the washed-off layer of mascara. Quinn checked her watch—another hour until work. Taking another deep breath, she turned the key in the ignition.
Quinn liked to arrive early. She greeted Joy at reception with their usual nod and a tight-lipped ‘hang loose’ hand gesture before checking the roster for which room she’d be in today. She adjusted the lighting in Room 4 to how she liked it and took the framed photography piece off the wall, the one with the little girl cuddling her mum on a sunlit couch. Robyn, the director, thought it represented what their service was supposed to provide: safety, connection. Within a month of working there Quinn had a client walk in the room, look at that photograph and stroll right back out. Quinn thought: exactly. She’d taken it down every day since but made sure it was back up between sessions, so Robyn didn’t find out. There was a little nail on the naked wall and sometimes clients commented on it, when they wanted to avoid talking about the thing that they actually needed to talk about. Why don’t you put a picture there? they asked. Quinn got tired of thinking up excuses and started to ask them how the naked wall made them feel.
Quinn scanned her client list for the day—Robyn had asked Joy at reception to squeeze in a couple more to fill the cancellations, and Quinn’s monthly direct supervision session had also been mysteriously replaced by a paying customer again. She sighed again and took out a pen. Her therapist had suggested that taking time to write out brief session plans at the start of her workday might help defer her ruminations over session preparation in every other waking hour.
Seven clients back-to-back. A 5-year-old boy forced to attend because his mother didn’t want to address her own anxiety: get out the crayons, allow extra time for an unofficial session during parent feedback. A 22-year-old man with social anxiety who mostly likes to chat about how great he is with women: review therapy goals to get us back on track. A new client—a 28-year-old woman with a loss of interest in daily activities, unable to stop crying, lack of energy, wanting to sleep all day: get some depression tip-sheets ready. Quinn also wrote—burnout?—then put a line through it because she was probably projecting. A nonbinary teen refusing to go back to school with possible post-traumatic stress disorder from a bullying incident, a new mother adjusting to life with a baby, a 46-year-old woman processing the grief of her mother’s death, and a 9-year-old girl who melts down every time there’s a change in plans.
Quinn took a deep breath in for four, held for four, and breathed out for six.
She looked up at the clock. It was time. She heard the mother of 5-year-old boy ask to see the psychologist.
Quinn closed the door after her second client—22-year-old man with social anxiety—and checked the clock. She had five minutes to write the notes.
NAME disclosed that from 6 years of age, his REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED. When he tried to go to REDACTED for help, the REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED. At 11 years old he disclosed this to a teacher and he recalls child protection services visiting the home to speak to his mother, though claims were dismissed following the visit and REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED. He did not make any further disclosures and left the family home at 16 years of age. He has discussed this with a previous psychologist since that time but continues to experience REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED.
She glanced back up at the clock, her body shaking after fighting to keep it steady for the last half hour. Had she done everything right, said everything right? Did anyone need to be notified? Would he be ok until next week? What if he got spooked and never comes back? She didn’t work with serious complex trauma like this—she knew she needed to refer him to someone who did. But he had been coming for weeks and it had taken him this long to trust her enough to share the thing. It always felt like a punishment, this professional deferment of personal vulnerabilities. Quinn looked down at the plan she had written for the session—neatly attached to the front of her clipboard before a series of frenzied notes. Of course there no way to plan, no real way to prepare.
She was late for the next appointment and there was a gentle tap on the door from Joy. Quinn poked her head out, nodded and said to send the next client through. She moved away from the door and breathed in four, held for four, and breathed out for six.
28-year-old woman was dressed in navy linen and low heels, her long smooth hair falling down her shoulders. She was casual chic, dressed like she could either head to the office or collapse on the couch at a moment’s notice. Quinn looked down at her own outfit, suddenly concerned they were matching.
Quinn greeted the new client with the warmest smile and invited her to sit down. She checked the confidentiality papers and started with the usual.
‘Tell me a little bit about what’s brought you here today.’
The woman took a deep breath. ‘I’m just…I feel like I’m losing myself, forgetting what it’s like to be me? If that makes sense. My work is…quite stressful. I think about it all the time. But I’m also starting to…not care. I just want to sleep all day. I feel so sad all the time. I think I’m a shit person. So…yeah.’ She gave a little laugh that pushed tears to her eyes.
Quinn smiled gently, adjusting her clipboard on her lap and circling the crossed-out burnout. ‘What do you do for work?’
‘I’m a psychologist.’
Quinn froze her smile in place, nodding and lifting her notes to check the paperwork again. No mention.
‘What field are you in?’
‘Private practice. Adults, mostly.’
Quinn noticed that she had not stopped nodding and forced her head still.
‘She didn’t even tell the receptionist, at intake?’
It was Saturday morning and busier than usual in their favourite spot. Quinn shook her head at her friend. ‘I was totally unprepared. I’ve never treated another psych before.’
‘I have,’ Em said, yanking her arms off the table to allow the waiter to place down her eggs. ‘I was freaking out the whole time. Like, are you watching me work? Are you like, “why are you mixing ACT with CBT? Where’s the schemas, bitch?”’
Em laughed at her own joke and shoved a whole egg in her mouth in one. She ate with the velocity of a contestant in a hot-dog competition.
‘Right?’ Quinn sawed at a slice of sourdough toast with a blunt butter knife. ‘I kept subtly asking her about her background but all I really wanted to know is, “are you better than me at this?”’
Em nodded, the loose bun on her head bobbing as she grinned without reply because her mouth was full again.
‘And she’s basically describing me,’ Quinn continued. ‘It’s like I’m listening to myself. She can’t get the things out of her head, she thinks she’s shit at her job, she gets no decent supervision. She’s always anxious that she’s not doing it right, or not doing enough, but she’s also losing that capacity for empathy, and she’s lost all interest in stuff she used to enjoy.’
Em creased her eyebrows. ‘You okay, love?’
Quinn gave up on the toast and pierced a cherry tomato, keeping her eyes on her plate. ‘I’m getting some therapy. It’s helping a little.’
Em reached out and squeezed her forearm across the table. ‘I’m sorry, lovely. You know you can call me any time.’
Quinn knew she could, but adding more unpaid therapy to her friend’s full caseload didn’t feel right either. She knew Em had been struggling too. ‘I know.’
‘What would you have done, if you’d known beforehand?’ Em asked.
Quinn thought about it. ‘Talked to my psych about being a psych that feels insecure about treating another psych?’
‘Oh yeah. Same, probably.’ Em finished the last scraps from her plate, running a finger over the leftover sauces before popping it in her mouth.
‘My psych is so good,’ Quinn sighed. ‘I keep stealing her stuff to do with my own clients.’
‘If the new psych-client is just like you, it’s a direct transfer!’
Quinn groaned. ‘Maybe I should just refer her to the source?’
Em rolled her eyes. ‘I know you feel shit about yourself right now but you’re a great psych, Quinnie. You care and you do right by them.’
Quinn shook herself to avoid getting teary. ‘Well, so do you. I don’t know how you do what you do.’
And because they were both psychologists, bound as if by blood in ethical code, Em recounted in a low voice the thing that a client had shared with her that week that kept her awake at night, unable to erase the image from her head. Quinn absorbed the thing and later that night when she closed her eyes to sleep, she couldn’t shake the image too. She wanted to tell her boyfriend—clinging to him next to her in the bed for distraction—but even if she could, she knew the thing was too big for a regular person to hold, to contextualise with all of the other things. And so she held it, like a deeply-drawn breath, along with all the other things from that day, and the weeks, and the years, until she fell asleep.
Dan paused the TV as Quinn walked into the room.
It was Sunday night and she was wrapped in a towel after her bath, trying to ease the anxiety of returning to work tomorrow. She sat down on the couch and cuddled into him. She knew he’d been watching a horror movie she couldn’t handle, but the image on the screen seemed innocuous.
‘Did that help?’ he asked, referring to the bath.
‘A little.’
‘Need me to get you anything?’
‘No, it’s ok.’
He switched the TV back to free-to-air. There was a story about Australia’s mental health crisis: not enough professionals in the field to meet the needs of the public, a steeply rising prevalence in anxiety and depression, the long-term risks of an expanding need going unmet. The premier announced that more places will be made available in courses and degrees to pump out more professionals—they assured viewers that hundreds more psychologists, social workers, youth workers and mental health nurses would be fed into the education, health and public sectors within the next few years.
Quinn watched on, expressionless. ‘I think I’d prefer the horror movie.’
‘Oh shit, sorry.’ Dan changed the channel. ‘I was thinking about something else.’
‘Tell me what you’re thinking about,’ she said, always calmed by the straight-forward linearity of his thoughts.
He laughed too loudly. ‘I was thinking about how you would medically attach someone’s mouth to another person’s butthole.’
‘Jesus Christ.’
‘It’s in the movie I was watching!’
‘It better be in the movie you were watching.’
‘My mind was just still on it.’
‘The logistics.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Hmm. What’s this one called?’
‘Human Centipede.’
‘Well, now you have to tell me what it’s about.’
The next week, Quinn sat in the waiting room of her psychologist’s office, early this time to prove herself.
Deanna came to collect her in the same routine as always: the warm smile, the offer of tea, the nestling into the cushions on the couch, the notebook, the expectant look.
Quinn told her about the client psychologist.
‘What’s the big deal?’ she asked. ‘You come to see me!’
Quinn laughed uneasily and grabbed a cushion to cuddle. She didn’t know how to explain to Deanna that she was a real psychologist and Quinn wasn’t.
‘She isn’t much younger than me. She’s describing a lot of the same things I find hard. I ended up repeating things that you said to me when I first started coming here—things that helped. But I also felt like this…fraud. How can I sit there and act like I believe that she can get better, that she’s right to stay in this job despite all the ways it’s breaking her down, if I’m also struggling with those same things, and I don’t know if I’m right for the job, or if I’ll ever feel better?’
Deanna sighed. ‘Do you think she’ll start to feel better, with help?’
Quinn nodded. ‘It’s always easier for me to believe that they can get better, than it is for me to believe that I can.’
‘Because you put everyone else before yourself.’
They’d discussed it. ‘I guess, yeah.’
‘You’re not a fraud if you struggle sometimes, Quinn. You’re allowed to feel however you feel and your experiences in therapy help make you a good therapist. What would you prefer, your therapist having no idea what it’s like to feel anxious? To feel depressed?’
Quinn shrugged. She was the same as everybody; she was desperate to know what suburb Deanna lived in, who her family were, what she ate for breakfast—but she didn’t want to know who she was or how she felt, not really.
Deanna leaned forward conspiratorially. ‘Let me tell you something. We don’t all have it together as much as we let on. Even I see a psych sometimes.’
Quinn took this in, leaning back in her chair for a moment. ‘Have you ever heard of this movie, Human Centipede?’ she finally asked.
Deanna suffered an accidental furrow of the brow at the unexpected change in subject. She corrected her expression. ‘Oh—I think I’ve heard of it, yes?’
‘It’s about these two girls who go on a road trip in Europe, their car gets a flat tire, and they seek help from a stranger—a medical professional. But the surgeon doesn’t help them, he kidnaps them and degrades them in this unimaginable way. He’s fixated on this idea of making the world’s first human centipede; joining humans through their gastric systems. Everything they take in has to go out through someone else.’
Deanna shifted in her seat slightly.
‘I’m sorry,’ Quinn jumped in, ‘It’s so gross. I don’t even watch horror. Just something about the idea of this human centipede struck me, you know?’
Her therapist leaned forward. ‘Why do you think that is?’
Quinn hesitated. ‘Well…do you ever think…that’s what we’re like?’
Deanna blinked. ‘I’m sorry?’
* * *
An eruption of sound wakes her. She reaches out a hand to press the snooze button on the alarm, knowing she doesn’t have time to snooze.
In the shower she stares at the back of the bathtub, her mind sifting through every possible scenario, everything that wasn’t done well enough or could be better. Techniques, strategies, diagrams, resources, advice.
She puts on the same thing she wore yesterday. Different scarf, different headband.
He looks up at her from the bed, his smile apologetic in its reassurance. She kisses him on the cheek and picks up her handbag.
She’s early to arrive at the office and sits down to write a plan. Then she looks up at the clock—it’s time. She can see it now, ahead of her, grey steel protruding—the endless pipe of things. Can see herself, giving her first warm smile of the day, before attaching her mouth to the receiving end, turning the dial to start the flow. And she drinks, and drinks, and drinks.
Her thoughts are interrupted by voices outside the door. She hears the first client of the day—they are ready to see the psychologist.
*